I loved the beach. the sand seemed to soothe every part of my being. I'd walk in the sand barefoot and watch the long swaths of sun, rays and color shoot across the sky every time, it came that time of the day for the sun to go down. It seemed to be smiling and dancing all the way down. There was no darkness in LA, only a transition from the overwhelmingly soothing heat of the bright sun, to the more mild knowing that it has gone for a moment and will soon be back tomorrow. There is only sun in LA. That's all there was for me. I must be fully honest, there was something about the sun that made me exceedingly happy and calmed, soothed some of the hardened edges and bitter confusions that lay just beneath the surface. I would just look at it for a long time, almost as if, I knew that the longer I looked at the sun, the more likely it was that I would feel good. I looked, and I spoke to people, to total strangers. Yes, of course, I was starving for new information. I was so hungry for something fresh something different that I spoke to anyone. I was in so much pain, agony and confusion, that it almost seemed that anyone, who had a little bit of sanity, had so much more than me. I wanted that. I found that many mundane people who I would have never spoken to, had a wealth of information that could help me. Anyone who had lived, who had actually made some decisions, knew more than me, because I still didn't learn how to make a decision.
The beach was full of Colorful people. There were many who had come out to LA to be actors and actresses, many had come out to lose themselves or to find the sun. The beach was always packed with tourists, and travelers and revelers. There was always fun. There were many smiles, and much laughter. There was always many beautiful women and many men who wanted them. There was always that movement, excitement and dance. There were many bright colors, people carrying their surfboards, and the smell of sun tan lotion.( Love that smell). There were hundreds of people who had come to sell their wares, arts and crafts, paintings, trinkets, and some wanderers who just sat there with a pile of random possessions that they had collected on their way.
I took all this information into my mind. There was so much here. It meant so much to me. I had never met so many people devoted to the work of their heart. I had known that Torah was the only pursuit in life that was acceptable. I had known that without a doubt. How could anything be different? I also knew that Torah was the source of joy and that that was the only way to achieve real joy in this world and the next. Now I saw some people who seemed very happy and content. On the beach things seemed pretty festive. I had a lot to think about. I had studied Torah, pretty seriously, and now I was in miserable shape, and these people had not studied Torah and they seemed pretty happy. " I'll bet they'll have it good in this world, because they are using up their world to come" (where the f*ck did that come from?) That is the reason why they could be so happy. I knew that life is really meant to be miserable.
Still, inside, I wanted some joy. "I wonder how I can get some" I thought to myself. I wonder IF I would get some. you see...I saw other people happy, and I never remembered experiencing that so I had reason to believe that it may not be possible for me. How would I know?