During this period of time, I had been pondering and reading, absorbing any information I could get my hands on that would help me understand what was going on in me, why I was so sad, numb, angry. As soon as I realized what was going on, I was immediately excited to engage it. Knowing that I had a problem, gave me hope that I could solve it. Now I had hope, now I had the hope that I would eventually have life. I wanted to breath the same air that others did. I wanted to know what it was like to live. I wanted to have it so badly. I knew that I could.
I read that one should go for their dreams. I had never heard about dreams before, I only heard about suffering. the word dream made me happy. All I needed to do was to figure out my dream, and then all would be alright. I knew that the only issue I had, the source of my pain was the fact that I had suffocated my dream. All I needed to do was be honest. "what was my dream?" what did I really want. If I could admit this, then all would be OK. I pondered this for months on end. What did I really want. I decided that I really wanted to be a Rebbe. I know you may be surprised to hear this, but that was my best answer. I knew that I cared about kids. I knew that I was good at learning Torah. I could not imagine having a life without Torah, so despite the fact that I had so many unresolved feelings about Judaism. I had my eyes on becoming a Rebbe.
It was deeper than that. From the books I had read, they spoke about conquering ones fears and "going right for it" and after self examination, I came to the conclusion that what i really wanted to do was to be an eighth grade Rebbe. I imagined that within my sphere of aspirations, that was the highest aspiration and the biggest fears. I had been afraid to teach. From my experience, the Rabbeim (especially the awkward, untrained and unseasoned, like the one I would be), were made fun of, and were given a really tough time. I hated the thought of being in that position. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to help kids. I absolutely dreaded the thought of being a Rebbe, but I didn't know what else I could do. Also, good parts of me told me that I would develop into a talented Rebbe. Looking back, I am shocked and scared by the fact that all of my thoughts, and considerations concerning being a Rebbe, were born solely out of the fact, or mostly out of the fact, that I knew nothing else. I wish I would have been in a position to have known, to have chosen to have evaluated many different paths. I knew only one thing to do, and that's what it would have to be.