I had been at the house for a while now. I had my little life. It was the first time that I was truly on my own. I was exhausted and tired and confused. I had come to LA for companionship. I had come because I wanted sex, and now I was really angry. Where was my sex? Why hadn't I had sex yet? There were all these woman running around but I didn't seem to know how to get any. Was I awkward? Was there something wrong with me? I felt that there was. For some reason, I simply didn't see myself having sex. I wanted it, but there was something missing in the human connection department. I wanted pleasure, but I don't think that my mind saw it as a means to connect with other people. I was scared, and tired, and hiding deep inside, and I yearned most to know me. That was my true desire. I couldn't honestly say that I wanted to get to know another person.
There came this one Saturday night, and I had had it. I just needed to get out of my mind, and out of my house. I thought about the whole city and thought to myself, "there has got to be someone in this city that I could hang out with". In my mind, I was thinking sex.I decided to park my car, and head to Ocean Avenue. There were some bars, and people walking around, I figured, if anything was going to happen, that would be a good place to start.
I walked into a drum shop. I had never done this before. It must have been about 8:00 at night and I started drumming on one of the drums. I was semi enjoying myself but looking back, I can tell that, inside, I was dying to have sex, or some kind of close connection with another person. I wanted to know that I was human. I needed to know that I was whole, that I was human , that I could get close to another person. I was aching to know that my body could be touched by another and have another touch it.
As my luck would have it. In came JC. he was a man I had met a couple years earlier. H was good looking and in the gym, he had once given me a very warm hug. I did not know it at the time, of the hug, but looking back, it was probably the kind of hug a gay man gives to another person he is interested in. I knew nothing of hugs, and gayness. I just knew that I really appreciated that hug. I remember it felt so good to be held that close. I needed it and I remembered it, but at the time, I knew nothing of what a person might do with a hug or where it could lead. I just knew that it felt good.
He and his definitely gay friend Patrick, had come into the store together. Somehow we all got to talking. I was excited by the conversation and had no idea where it may lead. I just knew that I had been distant from any kind of friendship that felt close and warm. I simply never had it and so I had no idea what I was missing. I had come to LA, and looking back, I had spent most of my energy just trying to survive, and make sense of the disaster that I had just been through. I knew that I was living in a beautiful place with all kinds of strange weird and different people. I knew that somehow, I fit in because I felt more relaxed being myself, but I surely did not know enough about myself to venture out and have a friend. Now, I was chatting with these two fellows and they invited me back to their home. That was exciting since, I don't think I had ever been invited anywhere (except for a shabbos meal or something.............or a bris, but then again, you're not supposed to be invited so does it count?)
As soon as I walked into their house, I had a really good feeling about being there. There where delicious tantalizing smells of oils and incense. The living room was a spacious and cozy area where people just did whatever, no furniture just lying down and relaxing kinds of spaces. Patrick was a masseuse. I didn't even know what that was at that time. I didn't even know that people were paid to massage other people's bodies. I surely didn't know that they were paid to do his kind of massage, which included a very unique event.
My head had been, was (and still is sometimes) in the clouds and then, it would take ropes of iron to bring it down to this planet and teach it some things about the way this world worked and didn't. I noticed that there was a lot of touch going on. As people just sat chatting and watching TV, they would touch each other, just gentle petting and soothing. I was amazed that this was considered normal. It seemed so natural to them. I felt so awkward and yet, I yearned for what they had. Why couldn't I do this too? I yearned to feel that comfortable with my body. It seemed like such a natural and real experience and right to be able and feel comfortable touching another's body. After all, I had hands and legs and I wanted to use them. Somehow, I knew intuitively that there was so much that could be told and shared through simple touch. I wanted to have that too, but somehow I knew that that destiny was not mine. I didn't know why and I wondered how it could be this way, but I knew that my body was not meant to touch and be touched. I had never had that experience and the distance made the possibility and impossibility. I had been so far from the world of touch that my mind, body, did not really know that it existed, but yearned for it with every fiber, somehow knowing that it was lacking something so raw and essential to being human.
The night was winding down, and everyone seemed to gravitate towards their cuddle positions, or buddied, but I surely did not feel confident enough in my body to do that. I so much wanted to be one of those people who could relate, connect to another human being on that level. My soul was crying inside, because I knew that it had promised a long time ago that it would never want touch or yearn for it. I knew that somehow, that world did not belong to me. My hands were tied and my heart was crying.
Turns out JC decided to stay and sleep down stairs and he invited me to cuddle with him. His personality was such that I felt comfortable being near him. He had so much peace and acceptance of his body that even I was able to feel slightly more at ease near him. It felt so good to be near him. I had never been next to another person before. He was also strong and good looking and it felt nice to be that close to anyone. In my inclination, I had always thought about women, but when it came down to the moment, of possibility of being touched, nothing of that sort and inclination meant anything to me. I was happy with what I was having.
He and I began touching each other. He began touching my body, my chest, my arms and eventually my genitals. i was getting so excited. I had never had this in my whole life. I was 27 I had never masturbated. I didn't know it was possible. I had only thoughts, about women, and about being touched and touching in return. I touched his chest. I touched his face, but I must be honest I felt really weird about this. At the same time, it felt great because I was touching skin, and the skin responded accordingly. I was learning about my arms, and my chest and legs and penis in ways that I had never known. I had been so much in my brain, my mind, the debate and challenge, that I had forgotten that there were far more essential ways to interact with life, with others, with bodies, with minds and hearts. Like a man who had had his limbs cut off, I had had my heart removed so long ago that it had forgotten how to behold another. I was now remembering some very vital parts of myself and it hurt and it sang because there was a longing that had known in the deepest ways what it had wanted and a memory that always knew what should be but so many mind barriers that refused to let the natural take place.
Now, as we touched my body began getting heated up. I felt my penis become hard and I had never felt that happen in this way. In the past, in gemara days, it was hard in a tangential way, an accidental, unwanted way, where I needed to try to hope and pretend that my body was not trying to drag me out of the sacred walls of the yeshiva. Now, at this very different moment with JC, I was still aware of my disposition towards my body, viewing it as an evil distraction from all that is important, but now I was more aware than ever of how much pleasure there was to be had. I was actually getting happy and excited. I felt blood rushing through my veins, and my arms moved with increasing wildness, aiming for something that I did not know. They seemed to want something and that itself was precious because I didn't remember ever wanting something so badly. Wanting meant that I was alive and I hadn't felt that alive ever since I could remember (except for that one time when I couldn't find the answer to R Akiva Eigers kasha).
Finally there came that crucial moment. I felt like I was going to cum. I had no idea what that meant, I just knew that I felt like I was about to explode and that I had no choice about it. I hated and loved the feeling of having absolutely no choice, it was as if for the first time in my life, another power was guiding me instead of my erratic brain. I always hated being out of control, but for this moment, I seemed to relish the distraction from the constant debate of right and wrong and how to make everything perfect.
I had to think fast. what am I supposed to do . My body told me that I am now supposed to put my penis into his butt, but I wasn't sure that I wanted to do that. The artist in me said, "why not?" but, then again, I had always known myself as having an inclination towards women. I had never in my life imagined or wanted or thought about touching a man. I also had no protection and got really nervous about catching something. I was smart enough to know that if he was doing this with me, he was doing this with anyone. Wouldn't it be a shame if I caught something on my first time around. How do I trust him? I was also nervous about his expectations. I knew so little about the world of sex that I had no idea, why he was doing this with me. what was he getting out of it? was how it went good for him. The truth is, I hate to admit this, I really didn't care. I was so distant from what it was like to have meaningful sex, and to care about another person as an equal that I simply didn't think about his being satisfied. I simply wanted to have my childhood wished met. Looking back, at that young and emotionally immature age of 28, I still had no idea what mean to think about another. All I thought about was me. The child, the young boy in me wanted to be comforted and held, and in reality, my interaction with JC had very little to do with sex, and much more to do with a small, young child who still wanted to be held. I can't imagine, and don't want to imagine his experience of the interaction because I had no intention or desire here to give him any pleasure. It was all about me, with not one neuron devoted to anyone else.
Finally, my body made up my mind for me. It was just way too hard, and way too excited. I just came all over him. All the excitement vanished in just one second. I had never experienced that, one moment the most powerful force coursing through me and the next moment, it was gone. How did that happen? Two diametrically opposed experiences coming together as one, and how did that happen. I had never masturbated before and I had not known anything about how the penis responds when it was touched but now I knew that I had a lot to learn and that it could give me a whole lot of pleasure.
He and I went to sleep near each other. I woke up in the morning. I had this notion that I will never forget " I believe in God" I was shocked at that notion since I knew that I was sinning by letting my body spit out its semen. That couldn't have been good I knew. I had just indulged in the pleasure of the flesh. I still had this immense feeling of joy. I had recalled, my body, mind seemed to remember all the fear and anger that I had over not being able to have sex. somehow, in yeshiva, and in the process of getting to know myself, I realized that I wouldn't be having sex any time soon. I knew that marriage was the only way and somehow, I knew that I would not be getting married any time soon. this got me so angry. I was furious at God, for putting me in this predicament where my body begged for sex, thought about sex, yearned for sex, but couldn't have it. How could you do this to me? How can these two realities exist, the electric attack going on in my body and the divine truth of the Torah. These two forces had pulled at my conscience for so long, making any kind of allegiance irritable, and insecure.
Now, for the first time, I felt unity. My body had been fed. It had received some of what it had always yearned for, to know what it's like to touch and be touched, to heat its kettle and let the steam fly where it will land. something human and real about that moment.
I had heard that the world is very interested in sex, and in yeshiva, I wasn't why, but now I was hooked. I knew that it was really important to get some. Now, I wanted it with a woman. JC and I spent one more evening together at a later point. He gestured, pushing my head towards his penis. I had never heard of anyone do that to another human being. It seemed disgusting to me. I surely didn't want to do that to a man. I realized at that moment that that is what would give him pleasure and I simply could not to that for him. I felt bad, since he had given me so much pleasure. At that moment I learned that sex was not just about me and that If I wanted to participate in these kinds of recreations, I'd need to know how to give pleasure as well. I didn't realize, that at least for me, since I had no male attraction, it would be useless attempting to get myself to give him pleasure.
Now I needed to find a woman, who would be willing to do the same thing with me. It was a nice safe start but that would not to it in the long run.